Monday, August 23, 2010

Words--They're What's For Dinner

Considering how many words I've eaten in my life, you would think I would learn to avoid sweeping assertions or any phrase that begins with "I will never . . . "  You'd think. At least words have no trans fats, bad cholesterol, or calories. They also have no nutritional value. Actually that's not true. The long-term benefit of eating my words is clear:  Being utterly wrong so often humbles me pretty much every day. I guess that makes words the new superfood. A few tidbits from my recent diet of the carelessly uttered:

"I will never spoil my grandchildren." Hah. That lasted about, mmmmm, negative six months. Pink items started jumping into my cart within days of my daughter's first ultra-sound. I fooled myself that the novelty would wear off with grandchild number 2 (a boy) and number 3 (boy also.) Nope. Reptile themed playwear and tiny checkered Vans have proven just as hard to resist.

"I will never dye my hair.When I start to turn gray, I'm just letting it go natural." Right. It seemed high-principled in my twenties and thirties. But somewhere in the homestretch of my forties one spot turned gray overnight (well, it seemed like it.) If the gray had popped up discreetly in the back or at my temples in a dignified manner I might have let it go. But no, it had to burst forth front and center over my forehead. Not OK--Cruella DeVille is not really what I'm aiming for. So I lay down good money on a regular basis to have Amber do "partial highlights," a term invented to humour sheepish word-eaters who stated unequivocally in younger days that they would never "dye" their hair.

"Twilight? Never. I don't read vampire books." This one pains me to admit because of the vehemence with which I scoffed. But in the spirit of full disclosure, I read all four. Ouch. I didn't love them, though. Does that redeem me at all? And I feel pretty confident saying this: I will never write a vampire novel. Ever.

That last paragraph puts it all in perspective, doesn't it? Sure, I eat my words pretty regularly, but at least I don't drink blood. It could be worse. So use tasty words, folks, you may have to eat them. On my breakfast menu today? A big bowlful of "I have zero interest in writing a blog . . ."

What words have come back to you on a plate with a fork? I love your comments.


  1. "I will never be a teenage bride." Sure enough, I got married two weeks before my twentieth birthday.

  2. "I will never have a facebook account." I caved and I actually love my fb account and how it keeps me in touch with people I would never talk to otherwise.

  3. hee hee :) yep, you're a chip off the old block

  4. My most famous: "I will never even DATE, much less marry, a younger man!" My husband is almost three years younger than I am. My next most famous: "I will never marry a man from Utah." I didn't want in-laws in Utah that we would have to go visit every summer. I just didn't want to have to go to Utah on a regular basis... long, boring, awful drive, etc. My husband is from Hurricane, UT. I also swore I'd never have a blog. That lasted until I married said man from Utah and we had children. His family wanted a way to see what the kids were up to since they couldn't visit on a regular basis. So a blog we have. And words I eat on a regular basis; when seeing someone's ill-behaved children in a public place "My children will NEVER behave that way!" Right, Jen... believe that all you want, but kids have their bad days too and sometimes that just happens to be in the most public place possible. Maybe I should be less judgmental of those poor parents... ;)

  5. Hee hee!! You never fail to make me smile. -- I think my word-eating usually comes in the positive form - i.e. instead of "I will nevers," I have to eat my "I will definitelys." i.e. when pregnant with Lizzy: "I will definitely have a natural childbirth and I will definitely breastfeed the baby, because what kind of irrational, irresponsible woman would do anything otherwise?" Oh yeah. Epidural city + exclusively formula-fed from week 6, both by choice. Ha!

  6. High School pledge: I'd never visit or live in NYC!

    Result: NYC was the first place I moved to when I left home. Eh, beats being in LA... HA!

  7. Amber told me before we moved to Hawaii, "I will never leave California," and when we got here, "I will never have a baby away from my family." I am typing this in Hawaii and holding my 2 month old baby. She also wasn't going to go to school out here and she graduated in April but with that one she never said never.

    I am sure I have had plenty of my own but because of my selective memory I cannot recall any.

  8. Jason--Love it! Amber seems almost as good at word-eating as I am. Congrats on the baby!

    Anonymous-High school pledges fall hard, don't they? So how was NYC?